moving on

Musings on the night before. How to find the clearest voice, the clearest place in me, as I navigate through this minefield. Here's how I want to finish FLORIDA - with the utmost clarity and integrity. With impeccable boundaries. With compassion for all the messes that will not be comforted by integrity or clarity. For the beauty of how it all is. If I stay awake and conscious, is that enough?

Ohhh on a far less altruistic note, only 5 nights, 4 days left until my husband arrives back in Florida. 25 days apart, in all this upheaval, is just plain unfair. Adapting to being alone is even worse. Home, Friday morning 7am I'll be at PBI, as he comes home.

Tomorrow I turn 50.

I don't even know what that means, except for this surge of "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY" that overtakes me. Know what, clarity or nothing. All these messes are opportunities to find the clearest way out, knowing that there will be some sort of wake behind my departure, and schmutz in the wake. As per natural process. But the field will somehow work its rhythms and resolve what has been churned asunder.

When I come back to FL, I want it to be to snuggle with my daughter and Gracie. Last night she had a little party for me. It was hard - couldn't really sink in - but I softened the best I could to just be in the flow.

When our daughters were little, they thought we were lovers. We are that close, maybe closer than that. Is there nothing more comforting than the rich deep sinking in of two women together?

Anyway. The night before. The big unknowns. The push to finish what will finish in its own time.