Profoundly Bothered

Spent months, hours getting ready to make this call to my webhosting service. Where oh where has my new secure certificate gone, and why hasn't it been installed to my site? Inquiring minds want to know. And how come nobody knows how to do it? And where is my refund for the past 4 months that it has been lost in space? The theoretical good news is: at least I'm not talking to India. The reality bad news: it's no 800-number to Arizona, where apparently they make extra points by taking extra long to solve your problem. Assuming they ever solve mine!