panic.heart.attack.

It must be catching up with me. Last night, restless at 2am, something moving through me, "maybe it's Dave's Sushi" - and then, flat on my back, the anvil crushing my heart. Oh. Can't breathe, sharp pain, never felt this before, must keep right coronary artery open, my own hands frantic to dissolve whatever is heaving in my heart. can't breathe, doesn't matter, sharp pains, the anvil. And then, it passes. Scared. Scared to move. If I move, will my heart stay in place. If I turn over, will it keep beating.

Much later, finally alone, I curl up in the prana breath of escape, body still as a corpse, breath a wisp through the cells, peace. Floating between the worlds. From long ago, under the lake, watching the trees through the water.

Upright and out of bed - very sore. Sore chest, sore heart, sore thoracic spine. Who worked me over with that anvil?

Later, in daylight. What happened? Was it just another fun out-of-body adventure? Was it real? Vigorous walk today, no particular cardiac response. What is real, why the violence of the night, why the void of the day.

The hell of limbo tearing at me limb by limb (is that what it really means) - all the moments at once - land/letgo/moveforward/land deeper/reconnect/create the new/letgo/be here/let go/be there/let go let go let go

Oh, my heart can't bear this anymore. Torn open in leaving my daughter. Torn deeper by no landing here. Torn twisted with FL unfinished. Torn nauseous with Finance strain. Torn to the bottom with mh disconnected.

The tears are big slick fat ever-ready to spill from my eyes. How does that happen. How full of tears thrashing, where lurks life?