tsunami of changes

In three weeks, we will close on the Florida house.

This happened about 10 minutes after I signed the lease on an apt for my daughter and started moving her in.

Soon, soon it will be done.

Meantime, I am back in school for the grand finale. Case Management finishes April 24. Thesis project finishes April 15. Final weekend June 6-8. School is brutal. No time to work with this going on.

Work is... ? Busy at one clinic, busy on the road...

Life is... difficult out here. MH in too much confusion with jobs. He needs a bright star to resonate to, something that honors his skills and commitment. He needs an anchor. He needs the right job. This is causing much distress, internally for him and externally for us.

Life is.. also good out here. I can feel the glimmers of a real home out there somewhere. There is a gentle dissolving from FL and a soft "pat pat" come sit here emerging in MT.

Transitions are.... very active. My mother fell, accompanied by the nursing aide, and broke her neck. Just enough to create more obstacles for herself. Will one of them be the hair-trigger that liberates her?

So we sit, not quite daring to look at the closing straight on, but feeling the edges of these changes. Feeling our situation here begin to change. Feeling like we might be landing after all.

Just Stop

So yesterday was the tipping point. Had a bodywork session at L's insistence, and wow, the last thing she got to was my beleagured, nerve-damanged right hand... and there was the "STOP" energy I've never been allowed to claim my entire life. Stop! Enough already! Palm up and force out. That's it, we're done with this.

And I beamed it at: My Husband, for this ridiculous behavior; My Daughter, for whining and moping around and blaming me; My Self, for same behavior; My FL House: for gods sake already, quit moping and get your new owners in. And wherever else I could point that palm.

And I went home and lo and behold there was mh and it was time to get things back on track. Which might take a while, but at least we started. And what a difference talking to my daughter this morning, all energetic and focused, happy I'll be there next weekend.

The energy in our tiny apt feels adjusted, spinning, more familiar. I feel more familiar. Now we can get going.

panic.heart.attack.

It must be catching up with me. Last night, restless at 2am, something moving through me, "maybe it's Dave's Sushi" - and then, flat on my back, the anvil crushing my heart. Oh. Can't breathe, sharp pain, never felt this before, must keep right coronary artery open, my own hands frantic to dissolve whatever is heaving in my heart. can't breathe, doesn't matter, sharp pains, the anvil. And then, it passes. Scared. Scared to move. If I move, will my heart stay in place. If I turn over, will it keep beating.

Much later, finally alone, I curl up in the prana breath of escape, body still as a corpse, breath a wisp through the cells, peace. Floating between the worlds. From long ago, under the lake, watching the trees through the water.

Upright and out of bed - very sore. Sore chest, sore heart, sore thoracic spine. Who worked me over with that anvil?

Later, in daylight. What happened? Was it just another fun out-of-body adventure? Was it real? Vigorous walk today, no particular cardiac response. What is real, why the violence of the night, why the void of the day.

The hell of limbo tearing at me limb by limb (is that what it really means) - all the moments at once - land/letgo/moveforward/land deeper/reconnect/create the new/letgo/be here/let go/be there/let go let go let go

Oh, my heart can't bear this anymore. Torn open in leaving my daughter. Torn deeper by no landing here. Torn twisted with FL unfinished. Torn nauseous with Finance strain. Torn to the bottom with mh disconnected.

The tears are big slick fat ever-ready to spill from my eyes. How does that happen. How full of tears thrashing, where lurks life?