Like It Could Just Happen

Given how fast the job offer appeared.... and after the chat with a realtor this morning... sure feels like the ground evaporating beneath my feet. This afternoon I hear the chant "July, July, July" Well, but, I can't go in July. Does the house sell in July? Where do we go in August? What do I do with Ally, who is already freaking out about all this: "So mom, when you leave this fall I'll just live in my car!"

Slippery, slippery ground, sliding out from under me.

Easter Resurrection

And lo, my husband has risen from the tortuous depths of the satanic vortex that was BBFB, store 668. And hath returned to his desire for eternal life - in Bozeman Montana.

Yes. Offered a job in Bozeman. Relieved of job in Florida. Now immersed in painting bathrooms (good thing I've watched so many "design.to.sell" shows), cleaning out the past that's buried in our garage, and packing up for his first drive out there.

And terrifying me with words like "realtor." And propelling me into instant meltdown by packing up the christmas tree holder - because when we open it - it will be - Christmas in - Bozeman. Not Florida.

Equally terrifying is this new experience of throwing the past away. Journals from first marriage dying? buh-bye. Journals from second marriage starting? ciao! Journals from long purple journeys of when I channeled for a living? OUT!!!! I have never felt such clarity, distinction of the end, such finality. I'm done. Don't need my college yearbooks (but amusingly, kept my HS yearbook?) And after 30 years, I threw out my college science books, organic chemistry, a/p, neurology.... kept one notebook. just one.

And there's a confusing bit in there, because some of that stuff in the garage is from my dad's house, it's pieces of my dad. As if I needed more fuel on my meltdown fire.

So we're surfing the big tsunami now, good thing I"ve been practicing my instability-riding moves.

And tomorrow, I disappear for a week to the new confusion at Molly's - what the heck is that all about? When I'm suddenly in the big countdown of "how many days til my husband moves out"? How many mornings left where we will wake up all nestled together, in our Florida dreambed?

oh my god it's happening

Ummm so my husband gives his two-week notice tomorrow. And in two weeks takes off for the midwest visit-the-kids tour, and then hotfoots it to Bozeman. To catch up with me on May 1 out there. To find a place to live. To start his training at his new job. As a therapist. Back in his authentic truth, in his sacrum.

We slept, in spite of the excitement and nausea and tsunami carrying us... and he woke up a changed man. Vital, vibrant, in his sacrum, alive, resonating to the mysterious bigness of this whole process. No longer trapped in the small toxic insane vortex of being a BBFB slave. Woo hoo!

The tender spot, the notion of living apart, we are studiously avoiding. If he's alive like that, and in his strength, it's all good. We will find our way.

spinning

Maybe that experience of my first tornado ever, up in Blue Mounds Wisconsin, knocked a few neurons loose.

Maybe that's what shook me yet another step free of my past. I'm going to walk away from this old situation. It is done.

Maybe that's part of what was brewing way out west, and last night L called from Bozeman and said, we want R to come work for us.

So today we start identifying the "right now, right here" pieces. Bam. Signing on HELOC extension, THursday. Bam. Meeting with attorney regarding roof situation, Saturday. Call with roofer to outline new game plan - bam - he says, we can get your roof started in two or three weeks. BAM!

And funniest of all. My grad school schedule for fall is all backwards from what I thought it would be. Rather than skip Fall I, I'll have to skip Fall II. I'll be on break from August 19 to October 29!!!!! As my husband said, with a smirk, wonder what you'll be doing THEN.

As in. Packing. Moving on.

It's all different now. Like its all done.