home - but not

OH after a long week, my first week of "50" - that special club that no one talks about til you get there!!! - My husband is HOME IN FLORIDA. Oh, we are together, in the simplest and most blissful ways.

And yet. He is different. I am different. The house is definitely different. He couldn't come home to the familiar, because it has changed. The house is getting ready to go. He is different, scarred, in a way, by the endurance lessons of living along out there. I am different, by similar scarring here. The scarring that knits into the foundation of things and lets new growth manifest.

So today we picked up the rental truck and packed up his office. The truck is only half full - so I'm going to go make the list of what can go from the house. Bookcases, nice chairs... and Buddha Bob says he wants to go. I'm shocked and a little afraid to breathe with this one. But if BB says he's ready, well, then, it must be time. So let's go. How do I work in this treatment space without my Buddha Bob here????

Tomorrow I take my Pharmacology final and then I'm DONE - if only for a week. Considering I'll be in a truck, it's a good week to not have to get online and use scholastic neurons. I'll need all recruits for how to drive this truck!

moving on

Musings on the night before. How to find the clearest voice, the clearest place in me, as I navigate through this minefield. Here's how I want to finish FLORIDA - with the utmost clarity and integrity. With impeccable boundaries. With compassion for all the messes that will not be comforted by integrity or clarity. For the beauty of how it all is. If I stay awake and conscious, is that enough?

Ohhh on a far less altruistic note, only 5 nights, 4 days left until my husband arrives back in Florida. 25 days apart, in all this upheaval, is just plain unfair. Adapting to being alone is even worse. Home, Friday morning 7am I'll be at PBI, as he comes home.

Tomorrow I turn 50.

I don't even know what that means, except for this surge of "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY" that overtakes me. Know what, clarity or nothing. All these messes are opportunities to find the clearest way out, knowing that there will be some sort of wake behind my departure, and schmutz in the wake. As per natural process. But the field will somehow work its rhythms and resolve what has been churned asunder.

When I come back to FL, I want it to be to snuggle with my daughter and Gracie. Last night she had a little party for me. It was hard - couldn't really sink in - but I softened the best I could to just be in the flow.

When our daughters were little, they thought we were lovers. We are that close, maybe closer than that. Is there nothing more comforting than the rich deep sinking in of two women together?

Anyway. The night before. The big unknowns. The push to finish what will finish in its own time.

WhataMess

Life is messy on a good day. In the middle of this transition, with projections flaring all around me, it's a big raw oozing wound. I'm a Cancer. We're sensitive. It's June, and I believe that Mercury just went retrograde (great - so I can spend more time on introspection!). I'm a Cancer without a solid home base right now, under attack for doing the job people beg me to do. In June. Our spotlight month.

My heart hurts, and no one is here to hear it. or hold it. And I am so, so tired of crying, of being scraped open raw. I am so, so tired of the whole mess, yet I stick with my processing, for it's the only way through.

Upside-down and back again

Don't even remember where the last post left off. Miserable about my husband being gone, I suppose. Well, I'm still miserable about that, and even more upset at how we "adjust" to being apart. In a way, we become more vocal about how much it just sucks.

Did a huge purge on the house for Memorial Day weekend, and then left town. Spent a weekend in Bozeman with my husband, settling in. Marking my turf. Leaving bits of me there. Is that the true essence of marriage, when you can sit on funky lawn furniture in your living room, doing separate work on computers, and be utterly in bliss? That's where I want to be, just sitting in the same room. Nestled sweetly into our rhythm.

Did a big trip to MA right after that. Good stuff. Being on the road is now my new grounding. After all the pain and angst and projection and drama down here (oh yeah, that's just from my patients!!), it's good to get out on the road where I'm unconditionally appreciated!!!

And now. Took my Diagnostics final. Two more weeks of Pharmacology. When I finish that class, my husband will be HERE and we will do our little road trip, driving a little truck out to Montana.

In the meantime, Monday I go to Michigan for a short week. Hope they're ready to share the love, I need some TLC!!!