Just Stop

So yesterday was the tipping point. Had a bodywork session at L's insistence, and wow, the last thing she got to was my beleagured, nerve-damanged right hand... and there was the "STOP" energy I've never been allowed to claim my entire life. Stop! Enough already! Palm up and force out. That's it, we're done with this.

And I beamed it at: My Husband, for this ridiculous behavior; My Daughter, for whining and moping around and blaming me; My Self, for same behavior; My FL House: for gods sake already, quit moping and get your new owners in. And wherever else I could point that palm.

And I went home and lo and behold there was mh and it was time to get things back on track. Which might take a while, but at least we started. And what a difference talking to my daughter this morning, all energetic and focused, happy I'll be there next weekend.

The energy in our tiny apt feels adjusted, spinning, more familiar. I feel more familiar. Now we can get going.

panic.heart.attack.

It must be catching up with me. Last night, restless at 2am, something moving through me, "maybe it's Dave's Sushi" - and then, flat on my back, the anvil crushing my heart. Oh. Can't breathe, sharp pain, never felt this before, must keep right coronary artery open, my own hands frantic to dissolve whatever is heaving in my heart. can't breathe, doesn't matter, sharp pains, the anvil. And then, it passes. Scared. Scared to move. If I move, will my heart stay in place. If I turn over, will it keep beating.

Much later, finally alone, I curl up in the prana breath of escape, body still as a corpse, breath a wisp through the cells, peace. Floating between the worlds. From long ago, under the lake, watching the trees through the water.

Upright and out of bed - very sore. Sore chest, sore heart, sore thoracic spine. Who worked me over with that anvil?

Later, in daylight. What happened? Was it just another fun out-of-body adventure? Was it real? Vigorous walk today, no particular cardiac response. What is real, why the violence of the night, why the void of the day.

The hell of limbo tearing at me limb by limb (is that what it really means) - all the moments at once - land/letgo/moveforward/land deeper/reconnect/create the new/letgo/be here/let go/be there/let go let go let go

Oh, my heart can't bear this anymore. Torn open in leaving my daughter. Torn deeper by no landing here. Torn twisted with FL unfinished. Torn nauseous with Finance strain. Torn to the bottom with mh disconnected.

The tears are big slick fat ever-ready to spill from my eyes. How does that happen. How full of tears thrashing, where lurks life?

find me

Guess what. I'm here. Somewhere in a pile of boxes and bubble wrap, in a make-believe apartment, living a make-believe life.

It is a wild bounce between moments of "I'm HERE and here we go" and "Is this really happening and is it just a dream gone bad?"

The odd thing is, I think I like it here. And I'm excited by this bit of creativity I feel stirring. And I feel motivated to create. And I KNOW that I am done with Florida.

But how can I be here if things are not finished in Florida? It's like being caught between two lives. or three lives. Or more.

There's a short financial time to figure these things out.

And part of me is angry, very angry. I had some idea that I would be financially taken care of, the there would be a safety net, and you know what, it's the same-old-same-old. ME and my daughter, and what? Where is my partner with the 100K job, holding space for me? NEver mind that, the 50K job? Where is the dime that I don't have to puke over?

Why am I here again?