homesick

How could a well-intentioned story have gone so wrong?

Now we are back in junior-high days, nyeh nyeh nyeh, I don't like you so I won't invite you to my party. Nyeh nyeh. Until your eagle-eyed co-worker says, where were you guys Saturday night?

THIS is what we totally uprooted our lives for? THIS is what we went broke for? THIS is what you are really all about?

Now I want to go home. Except there is no home to go to.

Where it all went wrong

Finally, the Big Talk.

About the huge mistakes. About where we could have turned it around. About the truth of our intentions in deciding to come West.

About the Mess we are in right now.

Big talk, big emotions, big fears and regrets. Big big pain.

And somehow, a big clearing from risking to go there. And a kind of reordering. MH, mortified with shame at being broke and unable to provide for his wife. And at the same time, stating, I would rather be sitting here, broke, with you than be anywhere else.

So now, to focus and find my strength to ride beyond the myopic expectations here.

I'm here, but not here. My future, my family's security, is whirling around out there, somewhere. I told my husband, used to be I was caught in the middle between you and my daughter, holding some kind of balance, but we were all under one roof. Now I am caught in the middle, from one end of the country to the other. So guess what, I am going to lead the way to find a more sane balancing point. Since I'm the one in the middle, let's find a better middle spot.

And so I will explore a new process - applying for faculty positions - anywhere east of here.

And get back to engaging life, powerful waves of life.. and my true resonant frequencies.

I've worked through so many IMpossibilities, with so few resources, certainly I can find my way to that big wave and ride it again.

For me and my family.